Metal Gear Solid 2 Archival Footage
by Untouchables50
Summary: The scenes Kojima didn't want you to see! 3RD CHAPTER UPLOADED! resurrected by popular demand
1. Default Chapter

Metal Gear Solid 2 Archival footage

By Untouchables50

(If this looks familiar, I did a similar fic like this for Resident evil 1-CV)

The game became a hit, selling 4.2 million copies and critically acclaimed. So to milk the series, they decided to release "Metal Gear Solid 2 Archival Footage" consisting of deleted scenes, outtakes, tidbits, etc. for release only in Japan (once again snubbing Americans, the ppl who made it popular in the first place.) Bitterness aside, ppl posted on message boards what the scenes consisted of, and some were quite shocking. Anyway, let me present you the Archival Footage.

When Solidus first enters and reveals himself to Raiden.

Solidus: Where have I seen him before?

Ocelot: (Over radio) I know him. He was in the films "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "I Need Your Cock", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", "Ass Blasters from Outer Space" and "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". 

Solidus: You seem to know a lot about his filmography.

Ocelot: (Quickly) Got it through background checks only, I swear!

Solidus: Rrrrrriiigggghhhhhhhttt. Anyways, my name is Solid Snake!

Plisken: No, that's not Solid Snake! (He rips off his pants and takes off his underwear) Now THIS is a solid snake!

When Liquid/Ocelot reveals himself at the end of the tanker.

Ocelot: …And of a liar. (His arm acts up and puts itself in Ocelot's pants) Liquid! Not now!

The cameraman films this with stunned looks by the Marines in the other holds.

Dolph: Don't shoot so early!

When the harrier was shot down but saved by RAY.

Solidus: Vamp, go!

Vamp: Are you crazy?!

Solidus: Just go jump in the water, and run! (Vamp does a silent prayer and jumps in the water face first.)

Hideo: Cut!

When the harrier was shot down but saved by RAY. TAKE 2

Solidus: Vamp, go!

Vamp: Are you crazy?!

Solidus: Just go jump in the water, and run! (Vamp does a silent prayer and jumps)

Hideo: Cut! Bring out the stunt double!

Jesus walks out of the dressing room.

When Snake is roaming around the holds in the tanker with all the marines, with the stealth on.

Snake walks to a guard and holds him up. He puts his hands up, and Snake pulls down his pants and yells "Hey!" All the marines notice and laugh.

Otacon: Snake, the stealth needs to be used for good! You can't waste it like that!

When Raiden first enters the AB connecting bridge and gets a call from the Colonel.

Colonel: Don't go out there right now! Enemy sentries are around!

Raiden: How do you know? Can you see what I'm doing?

Colonel: In a matter of speaking, yes, I can.

Raiden: What am I doing now? (He makes a V-shape with his hand and sticks his tongue through as a lesbian gesture).

Colonel: Don't do that, Raiden.

Raiden: Or this? (Makes a maturational gesture with his hands).

Colonel: Over and out. (Codec clicks off.)

When Rose calls him about what the next day would be.

Rose: Jack, do you know what day it is tomorrow?

Raiden: No.

Rose: Are you sure?

Raiden: Wait, now I know!

Rose: (Getting excited about her boyfriend remembering) Really?! What is it?

Raiden: It's the day I discovered masturbation!

Rose: I was thinking of something different. 

Raiden: What were you thinking about?

Rose: The day we met.

Raiden: Oh.

Rose: You don't even remember that? It was a special day!

Raiden: So was discovering masturbation. A cherished memory.

Rose: Goodbye, Jack. (Codec clicks off).

Raiden: Something I said?

When Snake defeats Olga.

(Snake walks over and shoots her with the M9.)

Otacon: What are you doing?! Are you some kinda monster?

Snake: Calm down. You didn't overreact like this when I shot that guard in the head 25 times!

When Snake introduces himself as Iroquois Plisken.

Plisken: Bye. (Raiden leaves.) Bet he'll never figure out what the Plisken part means. You have to be a genius to know where that. (Looks at a movie a soldier had in his hip pocket.) Oooooo, it's Exit Wounds!

When Raiden finds Ames.

Ames: Who told you about me?

Raiden: A man calling himself Mr. X dressed like a ninja.

Ames: (Starts laughing.)

Raiden: What's so funny? 

Ames: How long did it take you to come up with that story?

When Raiden finds the President.

President: You're…a man? (Still holds onto crotch.)

Raiden: Yes! And will you let go?

President: Nah, I'll hold on a little longer.

Raiden: No wonder they call you Johnson.

Aside from the game, in the editing room, Kojima confers with an editor.

Editor: The actor for the Colonel died yesterday.

Hideo: How?

Editor: Heart attack. Luckily, we were able to compile lines of previously recorded dialogue to complete his remaining scenes, which there aren't too many.

Hideo: How many lines do we need?

Editor: All the lines from the naked Raiden section and some for the RAY fight. We have a sample for you to go over.

Colonel: "I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri Rock. I need scissors! 61!"

Editor: Doesn't it sound a little disjointed?

Hideo: Nah, it'll do.

And that's where the greatest line in video game history came from. 

when Raiden meets the ninja   
ninja: "I'm like you. I have no name."  
Raiden: I have a name. it's Jack. And your name's Olga.  
Ninja: Umm, no, umm, that's not true. I'm a ninja w/ no name.  
Raiden: then why do you sound Russian and fem-  
Ninja: Ok, do u want this disguise or not?!?!?!?

Colonel: Congratulations, you're grip strength has increased, Raiden.

Raiden: Thanks, but I prefer the traditional way of increasing grip. Now, where did my issue of FHM go?


	2. Addition scenes

Chapter 2

More Archival Footage

Authors note*

*I was originally gonna make more than 1 chapter for the Archival footage, but due to the reviews, I decided to make more. Hope you enjoy, ingrates (no offence.)

**********************************

When Snake defeats Olga.

Otacon: What are you doing?

Snake starts poking at Olga's breasts.

Snake: What?

Otacon: Don't do that, it's rude! Stop doing that!

Snake continues poking her chest.

**********************************

When the guard is "pissing" over the side.

Hideo: Okay, Raiden, I want you to run under and stay under the "shower" for a few seconds.

Raiden: Why?

Hideo: JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO!

Raiden runs under the shower and stays for a few seconds. Raiden leaves, drenched in urine.

Hideo: CUT! One more time in 20 minutes!

Raiden: I did what I was told to do.

Hideo: You weren't drenched enough.

Raiden walks away to get cleaned up.

Hideo: You, pissing guard, come over here.

The pissing guard walks to him.

Guard: Yes?

Hideo: Wanna increase your salary?

Guard: Of course.

Hideo: Okay, a few minutes b4 the next take, start going. (Hands him a magazine).

Guard: Okay.

Raiden returns to the set and prepares for the shoot. 

Hideo: Raiden, stay under until I yell for you to proceed.

Raiden: K.

Hideo: Action!

Raiden goes and stays under a new waterfall. It doesn't go as fast or rapidly as the previous waterfall. He stayed under until 3 minutes later.

Hideo: Go!

Raiden gets away from the waterfall.

Hideo: Cut! That was perfect! Hey Pissing Guard, toss down the magazine! (A magazine is thrown and lands in Hideo's hand.) Good old F.H.M.

Raiden: Should the waterfall be white?

Stagehand: That wasn't urine.

*****************************

Backstage.

Hideo: Where's Raiden, Olga, and Rose? I need them for the next shot.

Raiden, Rose, and Olga walk out of Olga's dressing room, each with robes on and smoking.

Olga: Whew!

Raiden: No wonder you're called Deep Throat. But next time, I wanna do more of the work. It got kinda boring with you and Rose.

******************************

When Raiden "fights" Fortune.

Fortune: I'll kill you!

Raiden fires a Socom bullet at Fortune, but KoRn style, it came back and hit him in the head.

Hideo: Who messed with bullet deflector?

"Me."

Everyone notices Snake.

Snake: If he's gonna replace me, I want some satisfaction.

*******************************

Backstage.

Hideo walks out with a robe on, smoking, and coming out of 


	3. More craziness

****

Archival Footage Part 3

Forgive me for my absense, I've been struck w/ the laziness disease, a horrible sore throat, and being barely able to stand. Anyways, here it goes:

(torture of raiden)  
  
Solidus: Let the torture begin...Ummm...what do i do...  
  
Ocelot: Here, I made a list of things you can say to make him plead for submission...  
  
Solidus: I see (reads) Hmmm...(reads but doesnt sing)...Mmm bop, stop buy mmm bop. Give it by mm bop stop by mmm, yeah yeah..  
  
(Raiden just stares with a what the hell look)  
  
Ocelot: (giggling to himself) Didn't work? Well try this one...  
  
Solidus: (reads it plainly again) It ain't no lie, baby Bye, bye, bye!  
  
(Raiden is still weirded out that these are the feared villains)  
  
Ocelot: Hehehe. Still nothing?  
  
Solidus: I'm just not feeling it...  
  
Ocelot: Ok try this last one...  
  
Solidus: Jack do you know…THE MUFFIN MAN!  
  
Raiden: THE MUFFIN MAN!?  
  
Solidus: Yes...the muffin man...  
  
Raiden:...  
  
Ocelot: Umm sir...if it helps, i know the muffin man....the one who lives on Dury lane....(smiles)  
  
(all stare at him until)  
  
Ocelot: (pretty fakely) uh.. AHHH my arm...oh my the pain...he must be closer...ahh... Liquid ahhh...i better go this way.....(exits)  
  
Raiden: why'd you hire him?  
  
Solidus: You think its easy finding help? Look at Fatman and vamp...  
  
(Vamps head pops out and smiles and waves to audience...then leaves)  
  
Kojima: CUT!!! God D*****! This is the fifth time! Are you people drunk or something?!  
**********************************

One of the Colonel's Codec screw-ups)  
  
Colonel:ANYWAY!WHAT DO YOU MEAN ANYWAY?YOU'RE OUT THERE LOOKING FOR YOUR DEAD WIFE WHEN THOSE THINGS BACK THERE ALMOST KILLED ME!...James,i need you to protect me.  
  
Raiden: Colonel, wtf has come over you?  
  
Colonel: THAT'S IT JAMES!GO WITH YOUR DEAD WIFE!THE ONE YOU THINK LIVES HERE!  
  
Raiden: I'm outta here...(Cuts the Conversation)  
*********************************

(Raiden is in bed with Rose)  
  
Raiden: Rose, after all that fighting, we're finally alone.  
  
Rose: Jack, are you ready to accept your next mission?   
  
Raiden: Of course, what is it?   
  
Rose: I want you to get physical with me Jack.  
  
Raiden: Physical? Is this something that was mentioned in the VR missions?  
  
Rose: Take off my bra Jack.   
  
(Otacon and Solid Snake then speaks to Raiden using the codec)  
  
Otacon(codec): Don't touch her bra Raiden! It could be rigged with explosives, probably semtex!  
  
Raiden(codec): Otacon? I'm kinda busy right now. Could we talk about this later?  
  
Otacon(codec): There might not be a next time Raiden. You're life is in danger.   
  
Raiden(codec): You're talking crazy Otacon! Why would someone implant a bomb on Rosemary's bra?   
  
Rose: Jack, is there something wrong?   
  
Raiden: Oh, it's nothing. Kinda nervous though, it being my first time and all.  
  
Solid Snake(codec): Otacon is right kid.  
  
Raiden(codec): Not you too?   
  
Snake(codec): I was able to get a good look at it.  
  
Raiden(codec): Using what?  
  
Solid Snake(codec): A cypher. Look outside your window.   
  
(Raiden then turns his head and stares at the cypher. It is monitoring his every move)   
  
Raiden(codec): A cypher? Have you gone mad?   
  
Solid Snake(codec): Well, I...   
  
Raiden(codec): This conversation is over, perverts.   
***************************************  
(Transmission is lost)

Raiden: You think you can decide what information is necessary and what isn't on the web?  
Colonel: Yes, who else could wade through all the garbage you humans have produced?  
Raiden: Could you at least keep www.hornylesbians.com?  


Colonel: Raiden, we have Ro-  
Raiden: Shut up and put that japanese chick back on the radar!  


Colonel: Raiden, we have Rose!  
Raiden: But how? You're just a computer program!  
Colonel: Invalid page fault at IOS cache port A. (blue screen of death)

Casting Guy: Sir, we have the part for one of your Bosses...  
Hideo: Ok, Bring him in...  
_Casting Guy brings in Fatman_  
Hideo:...  
Casting Guy: He was Perfect so we've already hired him, and signed a contract...  
Hideo: You idiot! I said a phat man with cool shades not a Fatman with rollerblades! This is a mistake!   
Fatman: Did someone say Steak?!?!?

**********************************  
(scene where Liquid first posseses Ocelot)  
  
Ocelot: AARRGGHHH!!!! Get out of my mind Liquid. Get out! Get out!...(smiles) Okay Liquid, if you don't get out NOW I'm telling everyone you were Simba's singing voice in The Lion King! (possession immediately stops)  



	4. Crazy Hijinks

Snake: Raiden you should get a haircut, a lot of people are gonna make fun of you.  
Raiden: You're the one with a MULLET!!  


E.E. - Just let me rest a little while...  
*Raiden walks up to her, breaks her neck*  
Raiden - Ok, then rest in peace. 

Raiden: you're Ames aren't you?  
Hostage: MmMmmmmhmhmh!  
Raiden to another hostage: You're Ames aren't you?  
Hostage:Mmmmmhmhmmmh!  
Raiden to another hostage: You're Ames aren't you?  
Hostage: MMmmmmhhmhm!  
Raiden to the guard: You're Ames aren't y...whoops! Sorry! just pretend I didn't say anything ok?  
Guard: Say why are holding that mic? And where's your AK?  
Raiden: Well you see the thing about that is..............bye!   
Raiden runs off.  


Guard: Huh? What was that noise?  
Raiden: A hand knocking on a wall...  
Guard: Huh? What was that noise?  
Raiden: An enemy approaching from the back...  
Guard: Huh? What was that noise?  
Raiden: A hand closing round your neck...  
Guard: Hu-h? Wha-t w-as that n--oise?  
Raiden: The bones in your throat crushing...  
Guard: Huuuh? What was thhatt noooise?  
Raiden: Your dying body slumping on the ground...  
Guard: Hu..wha..noi...se?  
Raiden: Your almost dead body being searched for ammo and rations...Huh? What was that noise?  
Guard: A guard who watched the whole event and has called for backup...  
Raiden: Huh? What's that noise?  
Backup: Us shooting you from various positions with lots of bullets...  
Raiden: Huh? Whaaas tha...nois?  
Rose: Me following the script by wailing like a cat.

Otacon: Press the Triangle button rapidly to open the hatch, or you can hold the Triangle button to slowly open the hatch.  
Snake: First of all, what the hell is a Triangle button? Second, why the hell would I want to open the hatch slowly?  
Otacon: Um...I don't know, it's in the script, bear with me, ok?  
Snake: Kojima thinks he's soooo funny...  


Fortune "you killed my father, Snake" 

Snake: "Wrong I am your father.

Fortune: "NOOOOOOOOOOO" 

Snake: "This may take a while Raiden"

Raiden: (half way up ladder) "I know"

-In the first room where you begin with Raiden after he opened the valve door and found the beat up soldier and calls the colonel on the Codec:  
Raiden-''Colonel, I've spotted an enemy sentry.''  
Colonel-''Take him out.''  
Raiden-''I've spotted another enemy sentry.''  
Colonel-''Take him out too.''  
Raiden-''Colonel, another one.''  
Colonel-''Take them all out.''  
Raiden-''Colonel, ...''  
Snake-''Enough Raiden!''  
Colonel-''We know! You've spotted another enemy sentry.''  
Raiden-''No! I see your mother dancing with the marine commander!  
Scott Dolph-(Rapping)Intruder to the left to the right in the back in the front up your butt!  


Rose: Raiden, I'm pregnant, I'm carrying your baby.  
Raiden: (Falls to the ground) Why me Kojima?! WHY ME!?!

[Guard spots Snake]  
Guard: !  
Snake: Uh-oh! Damn!  
Guard: I'm under erne--  
Snake: [shoots guard]  
Ocelot (Radio): What's going on?! Respond!  
[Snake picks up radio]  
Snake: I'm under enemy fire! Secure the perimeter!  
Otacon[Codec]: YOU IDIOT!  


As soon as Otacon pulls the parrot out of the cage, Raiden laces it with the M4  
"Not so tough without your Cage, are you??"

*vamp on water*  
Raiden: what the hell?!he running on water!  
Scott Dolph:you should see what he can do underwater!

Replace a word in any quote in MGS2 with the word "balls" and see what you come up with.

Colonel: Log into the node.

Raiden: Did you say "balls?"

Ninja: I'm like you. I have no balls.

Fatman: Laugh! And grow balls!

Snake: The whole thing stank. But our balls had been in the snow too long.

These are just a few for right now.

  



End file.
